So this adoption journey takes awhile... much longer than I imagined... and even when we have our foster license...we will still have a ways to go. I read a t shirt recently.... NO MORNING SICKNESS YET BUT THE PAPER CUTS ARE TERRIBLE. That about sums it up. I do not once regret this journey ... it is my "pregnancy" ... I have wanted to be a mom for a very long time. From being a little girl playing house til now...

Sin broke me. It broke my Father’s heart. The sin was pride and selfishness. Other people’s sins broke me. They made choices that broke my heart. When I was 10 years old, my dad took his life.  Life experiences broke me. One example is my infertility; it began to define me. It had become who I was…the woman who could not conceive.  I began to see myself as useless. I could not even get pregnant. This was not the only one place where I was broken. All of these things combined put me into a tailspin. I became depressed and anxious. It determined my behavior. I was all over the place. I was insecure and needing control. Constantly, I found myself in an identity crisis. For years, I thought if I could just be like this person or that one then I would be okay.
As the Holy Spirit would draw me closer to Jesus, I would bare my hurt places to Him. The healing process brought some of my broken pieces together. Psalm 145 was one tool He used to reteach me what a dad is. Specifically verses 13b-19 “The Father always keeps His promises; He is gracious in all He does. The Father helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads. The eyes of all look to You  Abba, in hope. You give them their food as they need it. When You open Your hand, You satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing. The Father is righteous in all He does. The Father is filled with kindness. The Father is close to all who call on Him in truth. The Father grants the desires of those who fear Him. The Father hears their cries for help and rescues them.
I was learning to believe the Father loved me. This was a process, and over time I became more and more comfortable with the idea. I even had a necklace made that said ABBA DADDY’s GIRL on it. So here I am excited about His love for me and reaching out to others. I would pray hard for my friends. They were facing serious issues. Some were struggling with abortion choices and I prayed they would change their mind. I loved and still love my friends regardless of the choices they made. In my heart, I was still longing for a baby. I was still feeling defined by my infertility.  
So healing had begun. I was still hurting though. I would reach out to others and I would be so drained. I was the cracked pot. I was leaking what God put in to me before my thirst was quenched. I know even at that point in my life God was using me to encourage and help others but I was left feeling quite depressed and exhausted. There were still cracks in my identity. I could not fix myself so I tried like crazy to fix the people around me. A friend of mine once told me that one day when I am whole I would be able to reach out and not be completely spent. The issues of others would not send me into a tailspin of depression. I began to ask Jesus to help me become whole. I knew I would not be able to stop reaching out to others and I knew I could no longer go on being this depleted on a daily basis.
The same friend who told me about one day being whole invited me to a God encounter. I was given a scholarship and only paid a partial amount. Okay this is totally not Cathy Albertson. IT was Thursday when I was invited and told about the scholarship and I had no clue who I would be sharing a room with. I do not do things spontaneously and I certainly do not room with people I do not know. But I knew deep down this was an invite from the Father. It was a Father/Daughter get away. I was going no matter what!
I was like Esther with the King’s servant. I only wanted what He wanted for me. I was open to whatever. That is dangerous. I knew that meant it was time to unveil the secrets of my heart. The hidden wounds I hated to talk about. The Holy Spirit is a gentle and skilled surgeon. My heart actually felt numb before the first service began. Each session He revealed another area that caused me deep pain. One area in particular He dealt with was rejection. Rejection can send one into an identity crisis. Where I was not receiving acceptance I would strive harder. Imagine with me what rejection does to your mind. One person accepts and affirms you but another person does not. You struggle to receive from each person that which they cannot give you. You may search unknowingly for this approval. It may be the very thing that drives you. It is your goal in life. There is a dangerous problem you have created. First of all, the person/people you are looking to approve you will always fail to measure up to your standards. They have no clue how to approve you just right. Secondly, you will always be angry because they fail or disappoint you. There are still cracks in you and me. No matter the amount of approval you will always need more.  The water will continually leak out.
At one part of the retreat, I asked the Holy Spirit for more of Him. The old thoughts started creeping in that I was being selfish. I needed Him for others not me. So loudly, I prayed that God would do this in me so I could reach out to others. OTHERS!!!! My friend said to me, this is for you, Cathy. In that moment, I knew she was right. I had to open up and receive FOR ME! A thought occurred to me: was it selfish for the thief on the cross to ask Jesus to remember him? What if this man was not included in the Bible; would it have been selfish of him? It is so simple yet my mind struggled. Christ died for me. Once I was told that I was selfish for beginning to believe the idea that He died for me. That person had no clue what they were saying. It is no big deal to me that he said it. I know now that there was deep brokenness in me. It was going to take time to heal. Anyways, Christ wants me whole for me. I said earlier that even in my brokenness I knew God had been encouraging others through me. I was told by others that this was the case. So for the Holy Spirit to bring me closer to wholeness was incredible. He did it. He healed my broken heart. So now that I have wholeness in me; I overflow naturally. I get it now Christ loves me. He defines me. My infertility does not define who I am. I no longer feel rejected so deeply in my heart. My heart is quenched. I really do not thirst anymore for that deep affirmation because I have it! He did it supernaturally. I only stayed open and He did the rest. So don’t feel guilty asking the Lord to do a work in you for you. Abba wants His daughters whole. My all-time concern was I need to be whole for the children I adopt. A sweet man once told me that He will indeed help me help my children. But if there were not to be any children, Abba would still want me to be whole.
Okay so the Father did this amazing thing in me~ what’s my part? I was asking this question over and over that weekend. How do I continue in this freedom?
In 2 Chronicles 20 Jehoshaphat received a message that the army of Edom (shame) was coming against the people of God. Jehoshaphat was terrified! He cried out to the Lord. He fasted. He was desperate. He gathered a support team. One person from that team spoke up and told him what God was saying. “Don’t be afraid! Don’t be discouraged. This battle is not yours. March out there. Take your position. Stand still and see the victory.
This passage reminds me of a scene from one of the Narnia movies. The White Witch and her minions were attacking Aslan’s people and creatures. Lucy steps out with a small sword. Her brothers and sister are staring in horror. They knew Lucy was no match for the enemy. Then Aslan steps out! Take your position.  You do not need to fight. You have One who fought the battle already. 2 Chronicles 20:20 says Believe God and be established. When I believe something it affects my behavior and emotions. When I believe what Christ says about me; my behavior of searching for affirmation is over! My behavior and emotions change. I no longer worry what others think of me…or what I think of me. I am now acting on what He says about me. In fact, I spend most of my days now declaring who He is. For example, I am in my toddler room and most of the tods are crying…oH man I say GREAT!!!!  Before I would have cycled into I am not competent to handle this… I am losing my mind… I declare that You love these childen. You love me. You are in control and You can help me calm each one. I declare that You are going to show me what is wrong. Jehoshaphat declared that there was no one like God. You are powerful and mighty. When the people of God began to sing and praise, God set ambushments against the enemy. Declare who He is!
In Matthew 16 Jesus asks Peter who do you say I am? Peter declares Him to be Christ the Son of the Living God. Jesus tells Peter that the Holy Spirit revealed this to him. Jesus then declares Peter to no longer be Simon blowing in the wind but Peter the ROCK.  
In closing, it does not matter what broke you and how it defined you. You may need to repent. Yes you are wounded but somewhere along the way you took matters into your own hand instead of going to the Father. This is a process, a journey. There is going to be a battle either way. You can stay where you are and continue trying to prove yourself to others and you…or you can open up to HIM and allow Him to affirm you deep inside. You can be filled to overflowing.